What’s Your Pee Tolerance?

Its been a while that I have stopped typing down thoughts so I seem to have lost the ability to organize my turbulent insides and write down pure crap. And, the fact that I am in a totally different atmosphere is not helping at all. Like every great writer-Charles Dickens, Michael Crinton, that hairy indian bloke whose name is elusive as ever and that russian writer who’s name is hard to spell (oh, that includes everyone)- who wrote all of their works sitting on the same table, on the same cozy sofa being masseuse-d and grape fed by pageant queens, I strongly feel the need to be in the same placed being masseuse-d and momo fed by Miss Korea. Only then can I consistently produce something that is well..already been blogged before. I have had to hear a lot of flowery, dairy sweetened comments about how consistently I write consistently exceptional blogs with consistently amazing stories to tell *hears cough*, so I would like to hang on that bit of thread that has consistency written all over it. Ok enough of consistency and self-praise. Btw the above fact is 99 percent guaranteed false, if you happen to believe it which probably isn’t the case.

Unfortunately there’s one more self-praise heading your way. It’s something to do with my kidneys so I hope you don’t fall asleep while you go through it.

When I was much younger, I had these strange self-invented superstitions that if I peed twice before taking a long bus trip, I would end up at the other place with my ass completely in one piece. I also thought that if I visited the restroom and went about my shorter business at least three times in the last hour before my exams, I would ace it, which I did.

*hears louder cough*

It is likely that you might think I am some kind of pee-ing guru who finally found the secret link between the act of peeing and external worldly success, which for some extend is true (proven through extensive, time consuming practical research), but the sad reality is that the experiment needs to be done with a wider diverse population sample for further analysis. The fact that I have already given up on those superstitions (except for the stupid cat road crossing superstition which happens to work every f&*^ing time) says a lot of the credibility of such actions.

There was, however, a very important point about pee-ing infinite times before you board on a bus. Especially in crazy, bumpy, dusty roads like in Nepal. Especially when you decide on sitting on the first seat which allows zero degrees of freedom. If you have travelled by roads in Nepal with those loud hindi songs and traditional Lok Dohori with “Rukh ma Pat, Mukh ma bhat” lyrics, you know what I mean. Pee-ing allows space and time for your Kidneys to regroup and re-focus on newer body sewage rather than live with the old and this allows you to at least enjoy the amazingly loud and completely senseless music that’s forced onto your ears.

Recently, I was on the same dusty road for hours with a huge gang of senior year civil engineering students making my way towards an ongoing engineering project near the mountain side. We had just passed a small village which lied somewhere after a place called Dolakha when my kidneys started to act real funny.

3 hours prior to pit stop:

Kidney is starting to show signs of emergency sewage collection. Alarm rings on the lower abdomen. Pressure from the hind part due to sitting poster is not helping to subdue impending stress.

2 hours prior to pit stop:

OMG! A lot has happened in the hour. The kidney has moved from the yellow to the dark red zone which testifies that flash urine flood is highly likely. The external bumps on the road are making the situation a lot worse. The music outside is not helping AT ALL. The kidneys walls are being squeezed like a lemon inside a lemon squeezer.  Body guard muscles around the kidneys now starting to feel the “stress”

1 hour before pit stop:

Captain Kidney has given up. However, the last line of defense- the muscles- are working hard to contain the impending flood.  The slight movement in posture and some extreme meditational concentration techniques is helping mind take control over the body. The situation is much similar to battles in Mahabharata where the enemy side sends an arrow which magically transforms into some kind of cruise missile while the friendly side also fires some low tech stuff only to be transformed into a bazooka missile and somehow their trajectory coincide and explode in midair. (Talk about skill. They should have had Olympics at that time. Finally some consistent gold for Indians, maybe Nepalese) Imagine the enemy being the body fluids and the friendly side being the mind.  A crystal clear picture of the situation. Add to the fact that the trajectory has now changed and the cruise missile explodes dangerously close to the friendly side.

1 min before pit stop:

Muscles have already flagged “defeat” and pressed the “if you don’t open your zipper now, you are sooo going to wet your new pants” button. The mind however is in Buddha state and is allowing additional minutes to conjure much needed energy to contain flood and avoid damage.

1 minute 34 seconds after pit stop:

The flood gates have opened in a nearby river. The process takes forever.

Needless to say, I have now developed a superior no-pee-pee tolerance moving into 2013.Have yourselves a jolly good new year!