The Human Rights Violation Buster's Super Weird Interview

Lights. Camera...mm..so where's the question?

Writing a blog post is perhaps at the very bottom in my list of priorities right now but I have this itchy-tingly feeling that I cannot seem to get rid of. It’s that same itch you get from having a massive mosquito gang rape post-midnight, however, its also an itch with a twist; I have to scratch my way to abysmal bliss through writing, mind you, and not through the traditional means of physically nailing a psychological itch.

It’s actually about an interview I took today (or yesterday, or a week before..depends largely on when you read this). I have never been a huge fan of being queried although I have done the reverse as much as I have got drunk and sang horrible tunes in Karaoke Bangs to a really annoyed mass of deaf-acting people. And trust me, I have done that more than the number of times I have gone to the restroom this month.

Anyways, as I was saying before, I have never been a big fan of being interviewed. Yes, I have prepared people for interviews whether that’s job related or likewise but, ironically, never prepared myself for just that. I know it sounds horrible but it’s sure as hell easy to teach someone to tell the interviewer what they want to hear about rather than you sitting down on the hot seat and doing it yourself.

But honestly, nothing could have prepared me for this one.

With three inquisitive cameras pointed straight at my face, I was getting my shit together to answer a rather strange looking contingency of Koreans each strikingly different in appearance. Nothing about them seem to signal the slightest hint of someone who advocates Human Rights. The only person in the room who actually seemed to act like one was Jose. Was it not for her calming presence and omnipresent nod (even though I had no clue what I was babbling about), things could have gone very differently indeed.

The whole process of an interview is, as you know, a pretty straight forward affair; the interviewer has a set of well tested, pre-determined questions to which the interviewee has to give answers to. Plain, simple, back and forth questioning and answering. Well, this one was ET material.

With the cameras rolling, and everyone getting into position, it felt almost as though I was the one questioning and taking my own interview instead. It wasn’t actually fair because I wasn’t allowed to ask questions like “How many pieces of pizza did I swallow up last night?”, or “what’s the price of Mo:Mo right now?” but had to ask some serious questions like “Have my Human Rights been violated in Korea” or “Did anyone [Koreans specifically] do something to me in the bathroom?” kind of stuff.

Now look, for a guy who has a massive report to write and then a competition final presentation to present, these were probably the very last thing on his mind. The right question they should have reminded me to ask myself was:“Am I violating my own Human Rights?”

“Am I getting enough sleep?” No

“Am I drinking my beer?” No.

“Do I have time for recreation?” No

“Am I getting MoMo’s to eat everyday?” NO. that’s human rights violation right there my friend. While the rest of Nepalese back home gnaw on orgasmic momos, I am left with pizzas? Not fair man, not fair.

Unfortunately, my answer to those “serious” questions were largely not what they wanted to hear. I had absolutely no violation of my human rights whatsoever. I had no “pick up the soap” incidents in public bath [If that’s what they were trying to ask indirectly], no assaults or insults on public transports, no color or racial abuse, no nothing, No Korean doing shit on me, nope.

I said I actually had a better life here to which my three stranger-friends started to look rather frustrated and agitated. My life being seemingly better here did not bode well with these Human Right Violation Busters who clearly seem to have an agenda for the whole thing.

“You see,” one who spoke rubbish English started to explain,” we are trying to produce a newsletter explaining how foreigners here are segregated from the Society.”

Good for you, I thought. Clearly, they had the wrong foreigner.

“Any specific case you want to complain?” he added.

I almost felt bad for them that I had nothing to complain. I had to come up with something..

“Oh yeah! I do” I smiled. Why was I feeling relieved? Am I even supposed to smile?

“These so-called Christians, the once who are always waiting for you and asking if I know Jesus [As if I have him enlisted in my phone book to say “hey Jesus, whats up? I have this competition you see..”] and forcing me to read the bible with….”

“Wait a minute,” cut off the guy behind that excellent looking camera, “you can’t talk about religion”

Well how about that eh? You just violated MY human right my friend..freedom of speech or whatever…AND get me my god damn MOMOs will you?