Oscar Soup for the Nepali Soul

Global Warming speech by the newly crowned bear hunter
I have to say, I have had a very short acting career. During my school days, I made a 2 minute cameo appearance on the annual drama competition. The audience didn't have the slightest clue why I was there, how I got there or what role I had to play in. My physical presence in the whole drama was unnecessary and most people would look at me and say "this guy doesn't know shit about acting."

And yet, dare I say, I proved them wrong. In 2011, I was on a jeep to a remote island in South Korea to act in the City Hunter drama. I was there for the whole day, jumping as the bomb exploded (they didn't put carpets on the floor), running around like madman and getting my face painted in the most disgusting red paint you will ever see. All in all, it was a hard day's work. The fact that I managed to appear 0.5 seconds (you sorta needed to pause and then look carefully) was a victory to say the least. 

That sadly, was also the end of my ailing acting career. 

The end maybe, but I feel I think I still have a thing or two to say about acting. Through my very, very limited experience I have come to a few conclusions, rather suggestions, to all of you fellow Nepalese thinking about going on to win the oscars. It's fantastically simple, highly practical (if you still live in nepal that is), amazingly applicable because it's based on oscar winning movie, the Reverant (acting, directing)

If you still haven't watched the movie, don't bother because I will just spoil it for you. Also you will save that extra $20 (you can't go to theaters alone can you?) plus those spare change on the soda and incredibly salted popcorn. You will also have two hours of spare time to do whatever you feel like doing. Top that off with my advice on winning the oscars and you have more than enough ammunition to go all guns blazing. 

Guide to Winning an Oscar for Nepalese

Snow's your pal. Embrace it
Go somewhere wild, preferably with snow:
If you are Nepalese and you are in Nepal, chances are you are already in some wild place. The trick now is to find snow, which is quite plentiful towards the north. Tell your director that you need to bathe and roll around in snow. It’s essential.

Grow a beard:
I am someone who struggles to have a lot of facial hair. So for me to have a notable beard, takes about 2 months. I would say if you are anyone else but Newari, you are in luck my friend. A month should do. If not, 2-3 months of waiting should suffice.

Learn to catch fish with bare hands:
Bagmati won’t help for sure. But the other rivers should have plentiful.

Ride a horse:
Easiest of them all. You will be surprised how many there are up north.

Fight a real bear. Be a oscar man/woman.
Fight a real bear:
Sorry on this one, don’t have much choice. Now look, Di Caprio’s a great actor. For you to be able to be as expressive as him, you will have to fight a real one and not a CGI. This is probably the most difficult, but to become the first Nepalese to ever win the Oscars, I think it’s worth the shot. Besides bears aren’t in short supply, walk into any forest and chances are, mama bear’s waiting for you. 

Eat raw meat:
I would prefer Yak meat just because I dig yak cheese. There’s no relation but I imagine they are as tasty. Probably very chewy too.

And that’s about it. Ask your director to make the story as long, as slow as possible because 1) you really need to recover from all that bear wounds you will suffer plus 2) you have to make the movie all about you. Also the screenwriter should make the ending very obvious to the audience. Make sure to kill that sucker who tried to kill you and take your time in doing so, onscreen I mean.

Bonus: Try recording a speech on global warming before you set out to become a sure-fire Oscar winner. Your shitty cell phone camera video uploaded on your youtube channel will do.
Thank me later.


Popular Posts