Orgasmic Food Series: The Phaaafffekt Scrambled Eggs


Arsenal are in their first pre-season against Malaysia XI as I write this down. It's still 0-0 as it approaches half-time although the game would beg to differ with the scoreboard . After all the publicity into RVP's now imminent departure, a game or two would help settle everyone's BP down. The stream that I am currently using is as horrible as a stream can get, often misleading players for tetris bricks but it's at least better than nothing. I had a terrible time when Diaby went down with a strong Razzaq tackle and just then, the stream decided go to mexico and drink margarita at the beach. Arsenal followers will know that Diaby-a player plagued by injuries-is as brittle as my clay coffee cup and although immensely talented, the moment his ass kisses the ground, we all go," oh 33 million gods, save his ass" or at least i do.Fair play to him as he was the standout performer so far alongside Gibbs. Besides that stupid^1000 red card he got which eventually led to 4 goal  Newcastle comeback (still hurts) the season before, the little we have seen of his long legs does seem to suggest he will be an eye candy...IF, a bigggg IF, he remains fit. and btw, whats up with the new away jersey? I am aware that Pat Rice retired leaving space for Steve Bould buttt seriously, purple? Hire me, I will chose something better. (did anyone notice the irony here? no? good.)

Update: 51' 1-0 Malaysia XI vs Arsenal. *sigh*

Need some balls to kick
Ok wait...i need to see this game.
66' Missed a sitter, The Ox looking positive.still 1-0
75' Malaysians seem to substitute every minute or so. A complete overhaul.
79' Somebody needs to duct tape those commentators and kick them on their balls.
82' 1-0 still
86' hahaha!! take that!..equalized. Lovely through pass from Song (the one Fifa players dream about) to some youngster X, cuts back to some youngster Y who coolly finishes it.
89' wooooo! 1-2, Miquel's shot deflected, the goalkeeper had nothing to do but to watch the ball go over his brown future-bald head and into the empty net.

Full time: 1-2 Malaysia XI vs Arsenal. Nice comeback but could have made it much easier for Arsene's already weak heart. He's wearing glasses btw. looks like a real professori now.

After scoring four quick goals on my last football outing (shots improved by a mile) and after being practically transparent throughout the other half, I have been doing nothing physical except moving my fingers while texting on kakao or chating in FB. Well, that was the story until yesterday where i made a resolution to work on my already overweight body (yes, my weight now equals to bapu's) and shed some fat. People who studied with me in Budhanilkantha will know that i practically suck at every game there's possibly on earth, whether thats TT, kabadi, volleyball to even 100m races except for swimming and in even that, the breast stroke. If you remember that stupid quote from the "cult" Scouts , Master of ...something ...jack..something..i would rather rearrange it to call "Jack of none, Master of ..none." takes the pressure joke.

Uni's Pool
So I get into the pool after a very long time and as expected, get serious muscle cramps  all over the body the minute I dip in. I did however, pull off an hour worth of exercise and after much stares from my Korean counterparts, I called it for the day. The worst part gets when you have to change.

Ok, this is something that is unacceptable for me but quite mundane for people here. They have absolutely no problem being completely naked. Their junk literally says "hi" to each other while they comfortably take public shower. Thank who ever's up there that my eyes got all bad because really, I dont want nightmares. The funny thing is, you feel uncomfortable NOT being completely naked. cultures, bloody cultures.

Of course, when you exercise you have to have some input. With the help of our Guatemalan, I have been able to produce the most exquisite, mouth watering scrambled eggs that has been ever cooked on the face of the earth. Ok, that was bit too much but seriously,who does not fancy a well cooked egg?

Why scrambled eggs you ask? For every wednesday that we spent in Budhanilkantha School, (not sure, it was definitely chicken day) we were served scrambled eggs with omnipresent stale bread for breakfast. It was the only serious contender to the omelet breakfast, and oh my, we ate the shit out of that egg. Of course, the way we ate it differed .Some liked it as a sandwich, some ate straight away, some took immense pain in taking those onions out, some were just too busy stealing. The thing is, the kitchen staff never even bothered to improve what could have easily  become the best breakfast ever.

Eat the vulture way
Now the recipe for the Phafffekt *Gordan Ramsay way, spray out some spit if you like* scrambled egg is fairly simple.

4 eggs, beaten and then added a pinch or two of turmeric.
2 medium sized onions chopped, the way you like
chopped garlic, a seed should do the job
Tea spoon of chicken masala
Pach Phuran (Mixture of 5 spices)
Stating the obvious, salt.
Mayonnaise, table spoon worth.
Oil, preferably mustard.

yeah... that should do it.

The cooking is as simple as adding 2+1

A. Pre-heat the pan and pour oil as desired. The trick here is to really heat that oil.

B. Once the vapor comes out nice and easy, put in a pinch or two of 5 Pach Phuran.

C. As they brown themselves up, pour in the cut onions, chopped garlic and fry them. You should hear that pleasant Chiiisssss sound. Work on them as they slowly turn into light brown.

D. Pour a bit of milk, not too much. stir a bit and put in the beaten eggs. let it spread over the pan, much like making an omelet.

E. damn i am hungry.

Isn't she a beauty
F. anyways..while the lower portion starts cooking and the upper portion is still "liquidi", start doing that random hand motion with the wooden spoon. start mixing up everything and let the liquid turn into something edible.

G. Once thats accomplished, spray in the chicken masala which gives a nice deep texture and flavor to it.

H. Wollah! the cooking parts done. Note that i conspicuously missed out on salt. It's the school's way remember? spread in the salt when you need 'em.

Now whoever invented the mayonnaise is pure genius. Who thought that mixing egg whites with vinegar would produce a semi solid so delightful that you could put it in almost anything? Nachos? no problemo.

The way I like, is to put the whole damn mayonnaise into the cooked scrambled eggs and then scramble them again. The semisolid gets into the spaces in between the solid edible portion perfectly and in a way looks fantastic. But other people do prefer in not doing so.

The whole process barely takes 10 min-tops- so its a rather quick meal. Goes pretty well with chicken sausages, tortillas, medium baked bread. serves for hungry 2.

I also missed out on chopped tomatoes and chilies which should add much needed texture and spice to it.

Now i wouldn't usually boast on what I make but its been tested and vehemently approved by one of my worst critics, Halal.
He was absent while i went through the whole ordeal and left some for him. He shows his ass after an hour or so.

Me: you gotta taste out the scrambled eggs i made. Its possibly the perfect eggs you will eat in your life.
Halal: come on man, it should be the other way round. I should eat it AND say it's perfect.only.....
Me: just try it, its in the fridge.

*takes his first bite. shuts his halal ass up*


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